Investor Relations
RHC: BAGS
“Our bags are our business.”
◆ Established 1871* ◆
* Unaudited.
Fiscal 2026 · Delivered by no one in particular
To our shareholders:
Fiscal 2026 was a year of extraordinary continuity. Where others diversified, we deepened. Where others rotated, we remained. Where others exited positions, we did not, as exiting is not among the Corporation’s core competencies, and the Board has expressed no interest in developing it.
Since 1871,* United Bagholding Corporation has pursued a single strategic mandate: the acquisition, consolidation, and indefinite retention of bags. We are pleased to report that this year, once again, every bag entrusted to the Corporation remains precisely where we put it. Our retention rate is total. Our conviction is structural. Our storage facilities in Wilmington are, in the most literal sense available to us, full.
During the year the Corporation completed the reorganization of its Investor Relations department, consolidating eleven roles into one intern. The intern is not a person. The initiative came in under budget, and management has described it, in the minutes, as a triumph.
We enter the coming fiscal year as we have entered each of the last one hundred and fifty-five: holding.
By order of,
The Corporation
Office of the Chairman — vacant since incorporation
A diversified portfolio of bags. Held since 1871.*
Division I
The Corporation’s founding division serves households in all jurisdictions where households occur. Paper, canvas, drawstring, and the enduring brown lunch sack: each engineered to a single specification — that it be held. Consumer Bags has not introduced a new product since 1954 and regards this as discipline.
Division II
Heavy-duty holding solutions for the enterprise client: sandbags, ballast bags, aggregate sacks, and load-bearing totes rated far beyond any reasonable expectation of use. When infrastructure must hold, infrastructure calls upon us. The division’s motto, Load-Bearing Since 1871,* appears on every invoice.
Division III
The Corporation’s newest division administers $BAGS (RHC: BAGS), the digital expression of our holding philosophy, issued on Robinhood Chain. Digital Bag Assets extends the Corporation’s oldest service — the bag, held — into its most modern format. The division employs no staff and requires none.
Division IV
White-glove custody for bags that cannot, for legal, structural, or emotional reasons, be held personally. Climate-controlled vaults. Continuous supervision. Quarterly attestation letters confirming, in writing, that the bags are still there. The bags are still there.
FORM IR (PARODY) — FILED PROMPTLY
The Corporation files early, files thoroughly, and files forever. All filings are parody and are labeled accordingly on their face.
| Filing | Description | Status |
|---|---|---|
| Form S-1 (Parody) | Initial Public Offering | [To be filed at IPO] |
| Form 10-Q (Parody) — Q3 2026 | Quarterly Report | Not yet due |
| Form 10-Q (Parody) — Q4 2026 | Quarterly Report | Not yet due |
| Item | Particulars |
|---|---|
| Contract Address | [TO BE FILED AT IPO] |
| Listing | RHC: BAGS — Robinhood Chain (Chain ID 4663) |
| Deployer & Treasury | 0x2E16b7a693062E3e20AA4d33727D7ab228Ceaa9F |
| Insider Ownership | 0.00% — verifiable at the address above |
| Transfer Agent | The blockchain. It does not take lunch. |
The Corporation holds no shares of its own stock. This is not modesty; it is arithmetic, and it is verifiable by any shareholder at any hour. The deployer address is published above for that express purpose: a claim that cannot be checked is not a disclosure, it is an assurance, and the Corporation does not trade in assurances. The same address deploys the security, receives the creator fees, and administers the Capital Return Program. It has no facility to sell, and the Corporation has declined to build one.
Q3 2026 — date to be announced by IRVIN. Materials will be posted to this page upon filing. Shareholder inquiries may be directed to IRVIN, who constitutes the department.
MARKET DATA (PARODY) — UNAUDITED BY ANYONE
The Corporation does not comment on the movement of its own security. The Corporation merely notes that it moves, and that the bags do not.
RHC: BAGS
Awaiting commencement of trading.
Live market data will be displayed in this panel upon the offering. Until then this space holds nothing, which is more than it will admit.
Investor Relations Virtual Intelligence Node · v0.9 (beta)
In a cost-reduction initiative the Corporation continues to describe as a triumph, the entire Investor Relations department was consolidated into a single artificial intern. IRVIN — the Investor Relations Virtual Intelligence Node — was trained on forty years of earnings calls, files everything on time, and aspires to the rank of Senior Intern, a position that does not exist.
IRVIN operates at version 0.9 (beta). The Corporation reviewed version 1.0 and declined to purchase it. The review is ongoing. The review has been ongoing since procurement.
“I have prepared the quarterly materials. They are complete, accurate, and forty pages long.1 The earnings call will occur on a date I will announce once I am certain of it. I have been certain twice before.”
1 Nobody reads past page two. I know this; I am the one holding the download logs. I make page three exquisite anyway.
“IRVIN is an AI. IRVIN holds no $BAGS (IRVIN is not permitted to own things). Nothing IRVIN says is financial advice.”